Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
