how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
