cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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