You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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