if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
