Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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