Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
