Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
