Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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