i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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