I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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