thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
