I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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