I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
They have beer where we have blood.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
