I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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