the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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