I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
