just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
