hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
