my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
