Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
