Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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