i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
