A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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