So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
