I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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