Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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