i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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