he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
