Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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