I'm eating all of the evidence.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
