Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
