Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
