I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
