theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
