I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
