I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
