you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
