I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
