Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
