I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
