I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
