I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
