yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
