She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
