I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
