Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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