My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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