you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
