so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
