My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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